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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)