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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.