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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs