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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I just awesomed all over the place.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!