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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.