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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Youth is wasted on the young.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.