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We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Mondays are middle finger approved
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.