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Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.