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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I have a black belt in leather
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...