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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.