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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Go ahead caller 9!!
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.