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That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.