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I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.