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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.