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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about