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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.