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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.