Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
I hate when the remote is way over there
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.