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is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
Does running out of money count as exercise?
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.