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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)