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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."