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I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries