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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.