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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Bad decisions make good stories.