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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(