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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.