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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.