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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
You are here: X
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.