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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.