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Before the internet I used to like people.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.