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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...