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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes