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My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.