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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?