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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.