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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.