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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.