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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?