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There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.