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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`