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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.