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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My internet goes out more than I do.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.