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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...