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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
heyy lol
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!