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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.