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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.