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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.