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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.