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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
My misery likes tequila, not company.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.