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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I drink because people talk.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.