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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Iām actually not funny. Iām just really mean and people think Iām joking.
Iām not crazy just the voices are!
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.