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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`