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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.