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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.