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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!