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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.