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I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Iām so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
Iām a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.