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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.