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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.