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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers