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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?