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Which wine goes best with more wine?
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.