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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.