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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.