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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol