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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."