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We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.