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Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.