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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.