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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.