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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.