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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.