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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
It’s not pretty being easy.