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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake