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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...