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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.