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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?