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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.